Saying sorry, properly

Sometimes an apology does not land because it is trying to end a feeling rather than acknowledge one. I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry, but you have to understand. I have said sorry, what more do you want. Each of these can ask the other person to put the thing down, which may be part of why they fall flat.

A good apology often contains some of these things. Naming the specific thing you did, rather than a vague category. Saying what it might have cost them, in their terms rather than yours. Leaving out the explanation, at least at first, because reasons and excuses can sound alike to the person who was hurt. And saying what will be different, small enough that you will actually manage it.

It might sound like this. I snapped at you in front of everyone on Sunday. I imagine that felt humiliating, and it may have left you feeling you could not get anything right with me. I am not going to do that again, and if I feel it coming I will step outside.

Then it may help to expect nothing back. An apology is not a transaction, and someone who has heard sorry before may quite reasonably wait to see whether this one is different. Being forgiven is not the only measure of whether it was worth saying.

Repair is often slower than rupture. What tends to repair a relationship is not one good apology but a run of small ones that turn out to be true.