The urge to explain yourself

There are moments when being misunderstood feels almost unbearable. Someone thinks you meant something you did not mean. They are hurt by something you said. They describe you in a way that does not feel true. And almost immediately, the explanation begins to form. That’s not what I meant. You’ve got me wrong. Let me explain. Perhaps the explanation is valid. Perhaps it is even needed. But sometimes the urgency behind it is worth noticing. What feels threatened? When someone misunderstands you, what happens inside? Do you feel exposed? Ashamed? Angry? Afraid of being judged? Afraid of being seen as selfish, unkind, difficult or wrong? Perhaps the urge to explain is trying to protect something. Your intention. Your goodness. Your place in the relationship. There is no need to judge that. Just notice it. What feels at risk here? Sometimes that question tells us more than the explanation itself. Your intention and their experience can both exist You may have been trying to help. They may have felt criticised. You may have been trying to be honest. They may have felt hurt. You may have meant no harm. And still, something difficult may have happened between you. The temptation can be to use intention to cancel impact. I didn’t mean it like that, so you shouldn’t feel that way. But perhaps both things can be true. That wasn’t my intention. And I can see that this is how it landed for you. You do not have to abandon your own truth to make room for theirs. Can you tolerate being misunderstood for a moment? This is often the difficult part. Can you let someone hold a view of you that you do not agree with, without immediately correcting it? Not forever. Just long enough to hear what they are actually saying. You might ask: What happens in me if I do not defend myself right now? Do you feel panic? Shame? Powerlessness? A fear that their version will become the truth? Sometimes explanation is an attempt to regain control over the story. But another person’s perception is still theirs. You cannot manage it completely. Clarifying is different from erasing There may absolutely be something you need to say. You may want to explain your intention. Correct something factually inaccurate. Offer context. The question is whether your explanation leaves room for the other person’s experience. There is a difference between: “That’s not what happened.” and: “I remember it differently, but I want to understand how it was for you.” A difference between: “You’ve taken it the wrong way.” and: “That wasn’t what I intended, but I can see it affected you.” One adds your perspective. The other removes theirs. Knowing when to stop Sometimes you explain clearly and the other person still does not understand you in the way you hoped. That can be painful. And it may create the urge to try again. One more message. One more paragraph. One more attempt. Perhaps that is the moment to ask: Am I still communicating, or am I trying to control the outcome? You can express yourself. You can clarify. You can listen. You can apologise where needed. But you cannot make another person see you exactly as you want to be seen. Perhaps the deeper question is not: How do I make them understand me? But: Can I stay connected to who I am, even when someone sees me differently? Sometimes that is where the explaining can stop.